ABYSS AND ASCEND by Chris Mansel

“Fear makes the wolf seem bigger than he really is."
~ German Proverb

Abyss and Ascend

The last thing he remembered hearing his professor saying clear was that Dostoyevsky liked to write about paranoia. Paranoia about being found out. This was after reading his latest essay and looking up to him. They were seated across from one another and after that comment his mind seemed abandoned for the next few moments. The professor was still speaking but it was a like a cinematic moment where he could see his face, blank and wondering. When he came back to the conversation the professor was staring back at him and silent.

“It’s obvious you went away for a few minutes there, what do you remember?”

He struggled to get the words out, “Paranoia.” The professor smiled, “Have you read any Dostoyevsky before?”

He said that he had and followed the expression that it received. The Professor mentioned Moliere. “I am sure in literature you were asked to read him. But delve a bit deeper. Follow the thought.” The professor shook his hand and he left the office. As he climbed down the three flights of stairs he was lost in thought. He had written his essay about his own struggle with disintegration. He had long suffered with a mental state that bordered on a more fragile state and in its own way it was an argumentative essay, which he had been asked to write. He got the idea to do the essay when he saw the drawing by Frank Auerbach entitled, “Portrait of Julia.”

His presence in the essay had been written rather unexpectedly as he followed the first thoughts in his mind. In short, he didn’t come out well. If he had been asked to defend it he would have no leg to stand on. As he exited the building, he wondered if it was possible to hold on to your humanity while your mind disintegrates. These were questions he had never considered. He sat down on the steps and placed his notebook beside him. 

He had written countless essays in his head, as he lay in bed at night unable to sleep. Then they would disappear from wherever they came. Eventually he would fall asleep. The words didn’t stop coming even when he suffered from his disintegration. He believed if there was a train coming through the tunnel that first it would be good to know the train.

Chris Mansel

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